so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
