Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
