If i need to get strippers involved i will.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
