fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's official drugs can't kill me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
