i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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