wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
