***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's rum buckets o'clock
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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