the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
