I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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