Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
