wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
