My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
