I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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