So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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