I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
