Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
