sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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