Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
