i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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