while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize