birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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