I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize