Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
