Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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