between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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