I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
