Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
