Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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