I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
