you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
