i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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