i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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