I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
