why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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