Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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