My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
