Me. At least after what I've been through.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
