Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
