so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
