i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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