you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
