I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
