Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize