I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
