Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
