i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
