The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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