I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
