he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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