I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
