Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize