Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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