he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
