you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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