Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
