youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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