Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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