My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
